I'm Ugly

Have you looked in the mirror recently? I did and I warn you not to do it. 2020 has not been kind to any of us. The horror of what I saw when I looked into the mirror was more than just dark circles under my tired eyes, messy hair with split ends that gets thrown into a bun too often, black heads on my nose that I don't even care about anymore, and teeth that could be a shade or two whiter. (Granted all of those things are true about me as a second year preschool teacher amid a pandemic.) I am an ugly person, but not in the way you think. 

When I fell to my knees in prayer, my confession revealed the ugliest part of me, my heart. Black sins fill it in a way that made my heart uglier than a three-eyed monster with uncut toenails. The uncontrollable worry I hold inside, the judgement I place on others, the thoughts of frustration, and the ungratefulness of his blessings all swirled in my heart. My outside appearance has nothing on my truly ugly inside. 

Have you had that moment? Was it a moment of guilt from what makes your heart ugly? What sins darken your heart to be as dirty as mud?  Is it ungratefulness for the blessing of a job that is stressful, but also puts food on your table? Are there things that make you feel guilty and unworthy of God’s love? Maybe its comparison to others leading to a constant state of discontentment. Do you struggle to put God first on your to do list? Can gossip ruin relationships and cloud your judgement? Do you turn to alcohol or other things instead of turning to your Savior? I’ve been there. I’ve done that sin. 

It’s true, my heart is not clean enough and pretty enough to win any beauty pageants. As women, it can be hard to hear the words, “You’re ugly.” It’s hard enough to feel ugly or not beautiful, let alone someone telling you that, but I have news. We are all ugly. Our hearts have been hideous since the day we were conceived. There is no flattering outfit or concealer in the world that can hide the fact that our sin makes us ugly to God. No Spanxs, lash extensions, or manicures can hide your heart from our holy God.

Thankfully, we have a God that cares. He takes our heart, cleans it off, and makes it beautiful. His love did not come in the form of a makeover or a day of pampering. His love came in an ugly cross for his son. Jesus’ death was anything but pretty, but through it, our ugly hearts become like new. Now thanks to his ugly death and glorious resurrection we can look in the mirror and know that  we are beautiful in him. All the things that made us ugly are washed away.

Now that God has made us beautiful, our heart can push us to praise him. Yes we praise him in the walls of a church, but we also put our new and beautiful hearts in action when we check in on a struggling friend, when we joyfully do the housework to serve our families, when we pray for the person at work who bugs us, when we invite someone to church, or reach out to community members or organization. When your heart is beautiful, the people around you can see it. What is better than a woman empowered by the cleansing love of Jesus? Your beautiful actions are a sign to others who may need a heart makeover from their Creator. 

Next time you look in the mirror, don’t see the tired mom or the restless student or the frustrated woman. Instead look for the woman that God made beautiful through his ugly death. Even in a year like 2020 where we may all feel a little ugly, let your changed heart be beautiful to all.