Deliverance from Life's Pity Parties
I threw a party recently. And oh, what a party it was.
Lights were moody, drinks were flowing, tears were falling…wait, what?
That’s right, folks. This was no ordinary party.
This was a pity party.
It was late December. 2020. As a single person working at a homeless shelter during a global pandemic…yeah, it had been a long, lonesome year. Needless to say, I had really, really been looking forward to (safely) ringing in the New Year—first at church, singing in our NYE service; and later with three of my closest friends and a midnight champagne toast.
But then, a Christmas morning call. Dad had potentially been exposed to someone who later tested positive for COVID-19. We had reason not to worry, but there was always that teeny tiny chance that he had been exposed—and I had been exposed to Dad at Christmas.
Big. Bummer.
Seriously?! I thought. After all the long days and lonely homecomings, after the daily grind and emotional toll of pouring myself out without pouring enough back in… Now this?
“This isn’t fair. I don’t deserve this.”
It’s childish, I know. It’s insensitive, I know. And yet, we’ve all been there before, haven’t we?
After months of overtime and hard work, an over-qualified employee hears that the rookie is getting a raise.
After years of trying, a couple hears that their newlywed friends are pregnant.
And after more than a decade of dating apps, solo events, flowerless Valentine’s Days and smooch-less mistletoes, a young spinster hears of yet another engagement, marriage, or birth… among friends whose diapers she could have changed.
Bust out the 2am leftover pasta, ‘cause this pity party is turning into a rager.
For everything in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever.
1 John 2:16-17
“It’s just not fair. I deserve more than this.”
And you know something? I was right. I do deserve much more than bitterness, envy and self-centeredness.
I deserve death.
Therefore, just as sin entered the world through one man, and death through sin, and in this way death came to all people, because all sinned. Romans 5:12
I deserve eternal damnation for my sins—and for thinking that I, a sinner, could possibly deserve anything besides death and damnation. If I’ve earned anything from my attempts to draw happiness from the shallow roots of this broken world… it’s my rightful condemnation to remain captive to it.
Stubborn pride had been the appetizer at this pity party. The main meal? Guilt.
Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me. Psalm 51:5
Shame flooded my heart as I thought about my reaction towards this one night that, really, is just another date on the calendar. This is stupid, I thought. Shouldn't I be able to deal with a single night of broken plans and disappointment without getting upset? Why can't I rejoice in my challenges and trials the way Jesus wants me to?
Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. Romans 5:3-5
Whether through a tragic life event or through the slow burn of discontentment, you and I both know it can be so, so difficult to rejoice in suffering.
It’s hard to rejoice through the screams of indignant children after you feed and take care of them every day. It’s hard to rejoice when you love your job, but you’re patronized and disrespected in the office each week. It’s unbearingly hard to find any joy in the disappointment of yet another negative pregnancy test—and through the heartache of looking after an ailing parent who doesn’t even remember you. And it’s hard to rejoice in these “uncertain and unprecedented times” when you are left to suffer alone the responsibility of isolation—while others are able to do so with a spouse or family.
It’s hard to glory in suffering when all you really want to do is cry out, “Lord, what about me?”
In this meaningless life of mine I have seen both of these:
the righteous perishing in their righteousness,
and the wicked living long in their wickedness.
Do not be overrighteous, neither be overwise—why destroy yourself?
Do not be overwicked, and do not be a fool—why die before your time?
It is good to grasp the one and not let go of the other.
Whoever fears God will avoid all extremes. Ecclesiastes 7:15-18
My dear friends, when the loneliness is deafening, the anxiety is overwhelming, the comparisons and the envies and the tearful frustrations are all-consuming… Consider this: what are your pity parties revealing?
Where is your heart?
“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” Matthew 6:19-21
It’s not wrong to want things like companionship, good health, family, and fulfillment while we walk this earth. But as we aspire towards these and other goals in life, it is important that we do a regular check-in with our hearts, asking ourselves: to whose glory am I striving for these things—mine, or the Lord’s? In whom am I placing my trust—me, or the Savior of all creation?
Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you get neither. (C.S. Lewis)
In a world of darkness, whose word is a lamp for my feet and a light on my path? Where am I looking when I seek the peace that transcends all understanding? At whose knees do I fall when I lack the strength to show patience, grace, wisdom, and faith in the midst of anxiety and suffering? And on weary nights, where do I turn when I long for the perfect hope that will carry my feeble, broken soul not only through the challenges of today and tomorrow, but to wholeness and eternal glory in heaven?
“Even now,” declares the Lord,
“return to me with all your heart,
with fasting and weeping and mourning.” Joel 2:12
If our answer to any of these questions is not Jesus, then the only dessert at the end of this metaphorical meal will be a rotten egg sundae at Satan’s table.
It is fair that we would suffer in this world. We do deserve it.
But thankfully, God gives us something we do not deserve: redemption.
At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another. But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life. Titus 3:3-7
In spite of man’s disobedience, God sent his one and only Son not only to live for us, but to die for us—carrying the cross of our endless imperfections and sins and damnation only to be crucified upon it. By God’s grace, we are delivered good news that is more precious than gold and sweeter than honey: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.”
“Where, O death, is your victory?
Where, O death, is your sting?”The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
1 Corinthians 15:54-57
The day our Savior died, he knew what he was doing. He was not throwing a pity party. He was not blaming others or trying to run away from his—well, our—problems.
Instead, by his love and his death and his resurrection, our Lord Jesus Christ says to his children, “I forgive you. I receive you. I have purchased you. You are mine.”
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39
Dear Sisters, in a culture of comparison and instant gratification, in a world that scorns the Savior by encouraging us to reach for what we think we deserve…
Remember that Jesus is what we need.
Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:25–26
When things aren’t happening the way you planned, seek the Lord’s face. Call on him. Ask him to open your lips to declare his praise. Pray that he would grant you a contrite and thankful heart. Find relief in the reality that your life is happening according to God’s plan, the only one to break the sinful chains binding us to a doomed world… through the only Son who can pull us from the depths of death and despair to the wonderful, everlasting hope of eternal life in heaven.
For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. Romans 8:29
And finally, my dear friends, when you are exhausted and downhearted, at the end of your rope and crying out, “Lord, what about me?”—remember that Jesus knows your pain.
Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.
Hebrews 4:14-16
And because he is empathetic and merciful, our heavenly Father is not the type of upstairs neighbor to stomp his feet and callously yell “pipe down!” when our pity parties get too loud. How gracious and wonderful that he instead sits with us in our sorrows, holding us tight and patiently listening to our tearful groans.
Beloved Daughter of Christ, your cries may be many and your groans may be loud—but thanks be to God that he does not indulge our doubts and fears. Like the good, good Father he is, he will do what is necessary to grow your faith so you focus not on what hasn't happened in your life, but what has already happened so that you may have eternal life.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28
Full disclosure: in the eleventh hour, my dad thankfully tested negative. My pity party was not only selfish, impetuous, and foolishly premature, but also totally unnecessary. And still, God did not waste it. He uses even our smallest of trials for his glory.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
In my pride, I was reminded of his humility. In my shame, I was reminded of his mercy. And in the emptiness of my own pity party, I was reminded of the fullness of God’s heavenly banquet—where there will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, but trumpets and joy and majesty in glory to our King, hallelujah! For our Lord God Almighty reigns—and he is preparing a place for us in heaven, where we will enjoy the greatest celebration of all.
Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose. Philippians 2:12-13