Overcoming Pornography: The Struggle
My husband will pen the next few posts on this topic. For years, neither of us wanted to talk about porn. We had no desire to be vocal about its part in our life, let alone talk to others about it. But the power of God and the joy of the freedom found in him, bring out our feeble voices. So, this is our story and we are fervently praying it will encourage others with their own stories. Jesus has overcome all darkness and with his strength, you can too.
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I was addicted to porn, but now I’m free. I was living a life of constant guilt and shame, but now I understand more fully God’s amazing love and forgiveness. I was a walking lie, but now the Truth defines me.
How did I do it?
One word: God. However, the journey He used to set me free takes many more words to tell.
The Struggle
I had been struggling with pornography since 8th grade and I was incredibly ashamed of it. I knew it was wrong and I was committed to winning the war. But day after day, month after month, and year after year, the battle continued.
I can’t explain how awful this sin is and how incredibly addicting it becomes. At 14, I was just a curious male teen, giving into a sin this one time. But soon a one-time sin became a one-more-time sin, and before I realized it I was losing control of the situation. I had allowed darkness into my life.
I’ll always remember my prayers: “God forgive me. Don’t give up on me. Don’t leave me. I’m so sorry!”
While I needed God so badly, my guilt and shame pushed me away. I felt undeserving to even touch God’s Word or go to Him in prayer. Why would God listen to me anymore? Why would He continue to put up with me?
While God knew the real me, no one else did. I was just a “great” Christian guy that people respected. I strongly desired to be that guy, but I was locked in the chains of this sin.
College Days
During high school I feared that God would punish me for these sins by not letting me find a wife. However, in college that worry quickly faded when I started dating a girl our freshman year. Right from the start, we became best friends and our relationship flourished. Life was great.
The problem is I was still living a double life. College had brought new freedoms and the struggle was even worse. My girlfriend only knew the “great Christian guy” version of me, which I rationalized was okay because I was still determined to overcome this sin and she would never have to know.
Fast forward to our senior year. We were now engaged and had a wedding planned for after our graduation. One part of me was on top of the world, while the other was overwhelmed by the darkness I had let into my life nearly a decade earlier.
I knew the truth: I wasn’t going to be able to overcome this addiction on my own, but Satan used my shame and fears to keep me trapped in this never-ending cycle of guilt, remorse, and failure.
We were spending time together in her room after having completed our homework for the night. Nothing was unusual. It was just a normal night. But something happened. The Truth happened. God opened up my mouth and in one unplanned instant I broke my silence. The entire course of our lives had just changed.
To be continued... You can read part 2 here: Overcoming Pornography: The Moment of Truth
Note: If you missed the other posts in this series, you can find them here: The Porn Epidemic, Going on the Offensive Against Porn
