I would choke out whispers into the dark because I knew He was listening. Speaking the hurt aloud helped. I could breathe again.
Please, Lord. You know my desire and you alone can give us a child. Please give me a content heart. Bring peace until you are ready to bless us in your time.
Time after time, He grabbed hold of those murmurs and carried them as His own. He'd cover me with a peace as soft and heavy and comforting as the quilt on our bed. He would pull it right up to my chin, smooth it out, and tuck it around me.
Night after night, His love filled me up. His grace rocked me to sleep.
We flew across oceans grasping a photo of a baby we knew was ours. I had studied and memorized every detail of that picture for 5 months and yet each time I looked at it, I found more.
And then there he was.
In an adoption agency playroom in Seoul, Korea, a small babe was carried in proudly. His dear foster father handed him to me and in that moment, I knew why those years of waiting and prayers and tears and preparing needed to be.
This was our child and I was his mama.
Josiah YeJoon fit so perfectly against me. His calm almond eyes studied me, like he knew I was someone special. Josh made him smile over and over and I fell in love again and again a million times over in that one short hour. With my husband and my boy.
And with One who planned this from the beginning of time.
Four years ago, we held our Si for the very first time and then flew back across the world to bring him home. Since then, I have snuggled him close and kissed his cheeks thousands of times. Our days are happy and ordinary and wonderful. Life is certainly not picture perfect every day or every hour, but each minute is blessed. Even when it's messy and hard.
God's grace and peace continue to fill up our life. We sip and savor and when we need it the most, we gulp it down and there's always, always more. It overflows.