Who I Once Was
My daughter found my high school yearbook the other day. I'm not who I once was.
I failed classes. Snuck out of the house. Was kicked off of athletic teams. Sat for hours in the principal's office. And chose to do even worse things I dare not say out loud.
If you went to school with me (or even worse - taught me!) you are probably in as much wonder than I am.
I was a rebel and reveled in it like the wicked mentioned in Proverbs 2:14,
“...who delight in doing wrong
and rejoice in the perverseness of evil.”
If you would have told me when I was an early teen that I would be a pastor's wife, homeschooling four kids, and still living in Wisconsin I would've laughed in your face!
So what happened?
What changed?
Some have credited this change in my heart to my parents. "Oh, they must have really disciplined her well!"
But even though they did lay down more rules and consequences out of love, my heart only turned more resistant.
In fact, when my dad would try to hold my hands and pray with me I would scream, kick, and try to get away.
If you would have told me that I would one day consider my parents as some of my closest friends I would have rolled my eyes. That would sound like a cruel punishment.
So what happened?
What changed?
Some have credited this change in my heart when I started to date my boyfriend (now husband).
But he doesn't have a squeaky clean record either.
In fact, my parents were warned multiple times to not let me date that boy. They said, "He has a reputation." It wasn't a good one.
If you would've told me that my high school sweetheart was going to be a pastor one day I would have laughed to tears! NO WAY!
So what happened?
What changed?
Some have credited this change in my heart to my strong will. "I know she had it in her. Amanda decided to persevere and actually apply herself."
But the desire to turn didn't come from myself.
When my freshman homeroom teacher asked what my goals for high school were I scoffed and replied, "I don't know... I'm going to wing it."
But, in fact, I received the A.C.E. (Accepting the Challenge of Excellence) award my senior year for making a dramatic change in my attitude and performance.
So what happened?
What changed?
I became the annoying "A" student asking for extra credit. I snuck bibles around a communist country. I found confidence in the love of my Savior and not my performance. Sat for hours in prayer and savoring God's Word. And chose to marry "that boy" with the reputation, moving over ten times growing a brood of our own.
When there is absolutely no other explanation for the good things in life - there is only ONE who can possibly get the credit.
Jesus.
Not my parents. Not my husband. And certainly not me.
There was no method. No rules. No consequences. No reward. No shame. No fear. NOTHING big enough that did this change in my heart other than the work of the Holy Spirit. Sure there were positive influences, and I am forever grateful, but there is work that only God can accomplish.
“I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.”
I'm certainly still a sinner - yup, a big one - but I am made and seen holy at the same time.
“At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another.
But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life.
This is a trustworthy saying. ”
The truth is, I'm not always a better woman now than when I was 14. That "tough past" may be only fifteen minutes ago.
Yet, I am transformed every day.
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!”
Telling my daughter the story of who I once was may be hard but telling the story of who we are in Jesus will never get old.
You see, we get to share the tough past (just like Eve, Mary Magdalene, Peter, and Paul to name a few) along with the gospel promise! We are not left to die in our sin like we deserve - but are brought to life! That is where the glory lies! There is no shame.
We walk in forgiveness and in the hope of the resurrection.
The old has gone, the new is here!
“I love to tell the story, more wonderful it seems
Than all the golden fancies of all our golden dreams;
I love to tell the story, it did so much for me,
And that is just the reason I tell it now to thee.
Refrain:
I love to tell the story,
’Twill be my theme in glory,
To tell the old, old story
Of Jesus and His love.”
