We have done a lot of talking this week about sex and covered topics how:
- sex shouldn't be taboo
- barriers can be harmful to our sex life
- spiritual intimacy can enhance our physical intimacy in marriage
Now it's your turn to ask the questions!
Below are some of your questions that were submitted anonymously on the topic of sex:
Sex Question #1a: Sex just hasn't been the same for me since having a baby. Part of the problem is I'm always tired and I typically go to bed earlier now, since I'm usually the one getting up during the night. There just never seems to be a good time for it and before baby, sex was something that happened naturally and we never had to carve out time for it. (Just doesn't seem very romantic when it's something you need to schedule!) And also, my sex drive just hasn't been what it used to be; I don't really put much effort into trying to make it happen. I miss the intimacy of it...but it just seems like so much work! Any tips?
Sex Question #1b: Especially now with a child, sex is left for when he is sleeping and the house is put back together. So pretty much the last thing before our bed time. Im exhausted! Im always thankful and reunited with my husband when we do have sex, but how can I keep myself in the mood more often? I also struggle with reaching the big o during sex, so sometimes I just don't feel its worth the extra energy as much as I want to be close with my husband and provide the pleasure he desires. Any advice would be great. Thank you.
We were asked questions like this multiple times. As you can see, you are not alone. Everyone's sex life goes though changes and adjustments during and after having children. The danger here is letting Satan get a foothold in your marriage. The last thing he wants is for you and your husband to be thriving in the bedroom. He loves to take a God-pleasing thing like having children and use it as a wedge between the intimacy of a husband and wife.
It's easy as moms to see the constant needs around us like the kids, the messy kitchen and unfolded laundry. Being intimate with our husbands can feel like an optional extra when the time is right, when we have energy or when the mood finally hits. But the truth is, it's not an extra and it IS important. Sex is a powerful bonding, unifying and stress relieving blessing for both husband and WIFE.
That being said, staying connected in your sex life is no easy task, especially for the burned out, tired, mama! However, if we have the mindset that sex is actually one of the important aspects of our marriage, then it will help to make some adjustments of less important things in your day to allow more time/energy for it.
Here are some practical tips:
Take a nap when the kids do. If you can do this, you might find that you have a bit more energy at the end of the night for your husband. Yes, the dishes might not get done or you might have to clear the laundry off of the bed in order to use it, but I'm pretty sure your husband won't mind :-)
Take some less important things out of your day. As moms we can start to feel that every task we do during the day is of utmost importance. While they all matter, the truth is some things that feel important can actually be put lower on the priority list. Take a genuine look all the things you do during the week and see if you can cut back on some less crucial things in order to have a bit more time and energy for you marriage.
Flirt and initiate. It's way to easy to fall into our mom roll and forget the flirting and fun of sex. Communicating to your husband after work in the evening what your "plans" are once the kids are asleep can go a long way. As woman we love being desired. Teasing your husband by flirting and getting him thinking about sex before you are able to have it will often lead him to continue the flirting and get both he and you thinking about the evening activities before hand.
Talk through and be open about your struggles with sex. Please don't say silent about how sex has changed for you after kids. Your body went through a huge physical change and it's ok to have to re-learn what pleases one another and what doesn't. I'm guessing your husband realizes that the physical end of sex isn't as easy for you anymore. As long as you approach it with grace and gentleness, it's very likely he would love to be able to talk through and learn what pleases you.
Don't leave sex for the last thing before bed. Start your evening (or afternoon on the days you may have that opportunity) with your husband before bedtime rolls around.
And finally, pray for God to give passion to your sex life.
Sex can take time and effort, but so do many other things we do every single day for our husband and kids, that doesn't mean they aren't worth doing. Keep working at it! The lie is that having to give more effort takes away the romance. It's not true. Lots of great things in our lives are things we have to work at.
Sex Question #2: My husband has struggled with an addiction to pornography for most of his teen and adult years. He's been clean for about a year now and I've forgiven him. When we're intimate, sometimes I fear that he's still thinking about the pornographic things instead of me. How do I get past that?
Several of us writers at Holy Hen House have gone through this struggle in our marriages as well. I recommend praying during sex. It has helped me have sex with my husband when it was the last thing I wanted to do and even helped me enjoy it more. Our minds and bodies are a unit. If I have stressful thoughts I will have tension throughout my body which will become rigid and sex will be more painful. Through prayer, the tension in my heart fades away and so does the tension throughout my body which makes sex more pleasureful.
While having sex with my husband and fearing that he is thinking about pornography I repeat several things to myself and pray through the difficult time:
- God, you are always faithful. You are my Rock. - Satan is the enemy. Not my husband. - Lord, make my thoughts your thoughts and take these images far away from my husband and I. - Sex is not disgusting. We are married and our sex is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and admirable. (Philippians 4:8) - My husband is mine and I am his. Even now I am his helper.
- Sex is also for me to enjoy. Lord, help me find joy with my husband right now.
Following prayer during sex, I find an overwhelming feeling within my heart to love my husband more and show him physically. Our sex life is better than ever before! There is hope and our help comes from the Lord (Psalm 121:2), the one who designed sex. As Katy mentioned yesterday, Sex + Intimacy with God is a must to having a great sex life.
Your response to ask questions about sex was so well we decided to add extra days of Q+A! Sex Q&A (Part Two) - How did your religious education affect your view of sex? - What did your mom tell you or what do you wish she would have told you about your wedding night?
Sex Q&A (Part Three) - Is it normal for your husband to desire sex more than you? - I struggle with the sin of masturbation. I think there MUST be another woman or two struggling with this out there, and would like for them to not feel as isolated as I do. But how does one simply bring it up in conversation...?